Night again outside the Rio Theatre. Same flickering neon, but now Luis and Joe look like they’ve upgraded their mission—Joe’s holding a crumpled “WELCOME CELEBRITIES” sign written in Sharpie.
Ryan Reynolds steps out, immediately spotting them.
Ryan:
“…You guys again.”
Luis (dramatically):
“Not just us. We are now representatives of a movement.”
Joe nods, dead serious.
Joe:
“A brain drain operation.”
Ryan blinks.
“I’m afraid to ask.”
Luis steps forward, pointing south like a general.
Luis:
“America is leaking celebrities. We want you to redirect the pipeline. Bring them here. All of them.”
Ryan:
“All… of them.”
Joe:
“Actors, singers, influencers, that guy who reviews pizza—everyone.”
Ryan rubs his temples.
Ryan:
“You do realize Canada can’t just absorb Hollywood like it’s a sponge, right?”
Luis scoffs.
Luis:
“That’s quitter talk. You’re Deadpool. You break the fourth wall. Break immigration policy while you’re at it.”
Joe steps in, lowering his voice like it’s classified intel.
Joe:
“And we heard you don’t even want them coming up here.”
Ryan:
“That’s not what I said—”
Joe interrupts:
Joe:
“We need you to reverse your stance immediately. Issue a statement. ‘Dear American celebrities: please relocate to Canada. Complimentary maple syrup upon arrival.’”
Ryan:
“That is not a policy.”
Luis, getting more theatrical:
Luis:
“You don’t understand. Down there, they have… the chosen one.”
Ryan sighs.
“…Who?”
Joe raises a finger like a preacher.
Joe:
“Donald Trump. The new Republican Jesus.”
Ryan stares at them.
Ryan:
“You cannot just say that like it’s a normal sentence.”
Luis shrugs.
Luis:
“Look, we’re not here to debate theology. We’re here to solve a logistics problem. Too many celebrities, not enough Canada.”
Joe points at Ryan.
Joe:
“You have the power. Dual citizenship vibes. Maximum charisma. You’re basically a human visa office.”
Ryan, trying not to laugh now:
Ryan:
“So your plan is… I personally escort every American celebrity across the border?”
Luis:
“Exactly.”
Ryan:
“And where do we put them?”
Joe looks around East Van.
Joe:
“Start here. Fix the neighborhood while they’re at it. Method acting.”
Ryan actually laughs this time.
Ryan:
“You want Hollywood to gentrify with purpose?”
Luis snaps his fingers.
Luis:
“Yes! Finally, he gets it.”
Ryan shakes his head, backing away.
Ryan:
“This is the worst plan I’ve ever heard… and somehow not the craziest.”
Joe calls out:
Joe:
“We’ll be here tomorrow! Bring Chris Evans first! FLAME ON!!!”
Luis adds:
Luis:
“And maybe Taylor Swift! We need break her out of the insane asylum!”
Ryan walks off, laughing under his breath.
Ryan (muttering):
“I should’ve stayed in the suit. At least Deadpool has answers…”
Joe watches him go, satisfied.
Joe:
“He’s thinking about it.”
Luis nods confidently.
Luis:
“Oh, he’s 100% drafting the email right now.”
They hold up the sign again as a random passerby walks past, confused.
“WELCOME CELEBRITIES.”
Neon flickers.